Journey to BLACKNESS

I have decided I am going to learn all the traditional delicacies that our forefathers used to engage in. Traditional ways of doing thing, as far-fetched as this journey may seem, I’m quite amped up about it. I mean, I am not the most traditional being I know. Most of my life has been surrounded by modernisation and the modern ways of living life. I have no traditional bone in me, and funny enough… I attract the most traditional of men around.

I think, this is not to shock anyone, but just for me, to learn a little bit more about my people. Most of what I am attempting to do is beyond my understanding and quite frankly, my belief. I am attempting to understand the history and culture of my people, understanding what the meaning of being African is, and just taking it from there. I have no hopes or reservations, I just want to learn how to function as a super black person.

I think it gives me great joy, knowing that I can make traditional foods that only the black people have mastered? My first attempt would be to make umqombothi. I have read up about it and and I am told, this is a spiritual journey, you must pray and speak to the ancestors while engaging in this quest. I don’t actually believe in talking to the dead, so I’ll just speak to God and have him hear why I want to do this.

I do want to impress and shock masses, but I also want to maintain and propagate the black heritage… As my homework, during this time, of brewing African beer, I am going to learn my tribe name – is’thakazelo sami, and just ride it!!! every night while I check on my goods… I will teach and recite my clan name and learn a bit more about my peoples whereabouts!

Worst Best Quality

I realised something about myself, it’s that fulfilling feeling centered in the core of my existence, I like being needed…It’s an absolute horrific quality that is breasted upon selfish desires, but gives me that very needed feeling of fulfillment, when I have taken time from self, to help someone else… I realised, I like being needed. I worm my way into your system and play my best role, “The Fixer”. To date, this plays a major role in the types of relationships and individuals I surround myself with…

I hate it so much, I love it anyway, I am forever trying to fix things, humans, everything, I pay no attention to my broken bit that could also need some attention, but that somehow seems to keep me going… It’s like an addiction, addicted to fixing… I feel unwanted or unimportant when I feel like I have nothing to fix… It’s thrilling, to be able to witness someones social/personal experience evolve and improve right before you eyes… The trick is getting the other party not to grow codependent… That’s crippling, that’s when being a fixer turns into a trap and the fulfillment starts to taste like jail bars…

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All Things Relationship

I just had a life changing conversation with my boyfriend, one that had me thinking “What’s next?????”

When there is a clear distinct difference between you and your boyfriend, one so vivid and no one is willing to compromise, why continue? I mean, these are differences in terms of lifestyle, cultural and religious beliefs. Sometimes we give love too much credit and responsibility, and do not care much for logic. We are always out talking about how one should keep a circle where all parties are in it for the same mission and vision, while the road leading to that goal is paved with different intentions.

I’m dating a very cultural man, and for some odd reason, I find that they are the guys that end up loving me or falling for me and my madness, but there will forever be a clear distinction in the chosen way of life. I’m not very cultural, I wouldn’t call myself uncultured because that isn’t true, but I was raised in a household where traditional and cultural activities seemed like acts seen only in movie screens.

After our very heated conversation, it became very clear that none of us was will compromise their way of life to suit the needs of the other, I mean, speaking from my own point of view, I’m going to now participate in ancestral activities when I grew up not doing such.

I also find that as females, we are¬†expected to give more, compromise more, quit more, do less of what we like and become lesser and lesser of who we are, to accommodate our significant other. Saying things like, “but I love him” and all is done in the name of love. AGAIN!! Love cannot be the basis of all reasoning!!!!!!

Anyway, I found myself feeling sad because I can see the end and I still choose to stay because I love my nino… Such differences in character and lifestyle and culture scare me because this is how we determine morals and beliefs and how we choose to live our lives… Only time will tell…

I am a fixer after all… Ms Project hmmm :(

Thinking space

To date, the lavatory still remains my favourite thinking space. I just sit there and listen to myself think, probably come up with some of my most timeless thoughts while cooped up on the toilet seat.

I like that I’m random and that I find pleasure in bathroom privacy, people seldom interrupt you in there unless you are hogging the only one in the entire building.

Today’s thoughts were around the ideas of my future, hope to maximise on my earnings and how to live a happy life. The idea of doing simple inexpensive things that will bring some joy to my life with those I love dearly (well most of my plans are centred around healthy relationship building, weight loss, reboot and looking sexy)

It is a busy, Peak hour traffic in my mind… All courtesy of the lavatory thinking space…

Taxi Ride

Yesterday I had the most Godly conversation with this mama on the taxi who helped reassure me that everything will be alright, as long as you remain humble and and do things that please you. She told me to just be myself and accept people for what and who they are.

It is unfortunate how I have judged people according to false standards that I, myself don’t abide with. I have ordered myself to get back to the original down to earth Dianne, and this is comforting to me. I am okay with going back to my humble routes, and it’s okay for me to not find myself in a space where I don’t want to be in. I don’t want to put myself in a position where I am cornered by other people’s demands of me.

I think this is great advise, she also insisted I live within my means, and do whatever it takes to see my dreams through… Great Godly advise

New car

The idea of getting a new car excited me completely, what is frustrating though, is me imagining what I’ll spend my long drives listening to, I’m like oh my soul what shall I play lol its extremely frustrating and exciting that I’ll get to listen to songs I’ve never heard before, or have and alone and have them affect me for the very first time. I hear different things from old songs everytime I listen to them… Oh well… I just need to contain it, I just have to decide which song gets to be played first lol
HELP!!