Worst Best Quality

I realised something about myself, it’s that fulfilling feeling centered in the core of my existence, I like being needed…It’s an absolute horrific quality that is breasted upon selfish desires, but gives me that very needed feeling of fulfillment, when I have taken time from self, to help someone else… I realised, I like being needed. I worm my way into your system and play my best role, “The Fixer”. To date, this plays a major role in the types of relationships and individuals I surround myself with…

I hate it so much, I love it anyway, I am forever trying to fix things, humans, everything, I pay no attention to my broken bit that could also need some attention, but that somehow seems to keep me going… It’s like an addiction, addicted to fixing… I feel unwanted or unimportant when I feel like I have nothing to fix… It’s thrilling, to be able to witness someones social/personal experience evolve and improve right before you eyes… The trick is getting the other party not to grow codependent… That’s crippling, that’s when being a fixer turns into a trap and the fulfillment starts to taste like jail bars…


All Things Relationship

I just had a life changing conversation with my boyfriend, one that had me thinking “What’s next?????”

When there is a clear distinct difference between you and your boyfriend, one so vivid and no one is willing to compromise, why continue? I mean, these are differences in terms of lifestyle, cultural and religious beliefs. Sometimes we give love too much credit and responsibility, and do not care much for logic. We are always out talking about how one should keep a circle where all parties are in it for the same mission and vision, while the road leading to that goal is paved with different intentions.

I’m dating a very cultural man, and for some odd reason, I find that they are the guys that end up loving me or falling for me and my madness, but there will forever be a clear distinction in the chosen way of life. I’m not very cultural, I wouldn’t call myself uncultured because that isn’t true, but I was raised in a household where traditional and cultural activities seemed like acts seen only in movie screens.

After our very heated conversation, it became very clear that none of us was will compromise their way of life to suit the needs of the other, I mean, speaking from my own point of view, I’m going to now participate in ancestral activities when I grew up not doing such.

I also find that as females, we are expected to give more, compromise more, quit more, do less of what we like and become lesser and lesser of who we are, to accommodate our significant other. Saying things like, “but I love him” and all is done in the name of love. AGAIN!! Love cannot be the basis of all reasoning!!!!!!

Anyway, I found myself feeling sad because I can see the end and I still choose to stay because I love my nino… Such differences in character and lifestyle and culture scare me because this is how we determine morals and beliefs and how we choose to live our lives… Only time will tell…

I am a fixer after all… Ms Project hmmm :(

Thinking space

To date, the lavatory still remains my favourite thinking space. I just sit there and listen to myself think, probably come up with some of my most timeless thoughts while cooped up on the toilet seat.

I like that I’m random and that I find pleasure in bathroom privacy, people seldom interrupt you in there unless you are hogging the only one in the entire building.

Today’s thoughts were around the ideas of my future, hope to maximise on my earnings and how to live a happy life. The idea of doing simple inexpensive things that will bring some joy to my life with those I love dearly (well most of my plans are centred around healthy relationship building, weight loss, reboot and looking sexy)

It is a busy, Peak hour traffic in my mind… All courtesy of the lavatory thinking space…

Taxi Ride

Yesterday I had the most Godly conversation with this mama on the taxi who helped reassure me that everything will be alright, as long as you remain humble and and do things that please you. She told me to just be myself and accept people for what and who they are.

It is unfortunate how I have judged people according to false standards that I, myself don’t abide with. I have ordered myself to get back to the original down to earth Dianne, and this is comforting to me. I am okay with going back to my humble routes, and it’s okay for me to not find myself in a space where I don’t want to be in. I don’t want to put myself in a position where I am cornered by other people’s demands of me.

I think this is great advise, she also insisted I live within my means, and do whatever it takes to see my dreams through… Great Godly advise

New car

The idea of getting a new car excited me completely, what is frustrating though, is me imagining what I’ll spend my long drives listening to, I’m like oh my soul what shall I play lol its extremely frustrating and exciting that I’ll get to listen to songs I’ve never heard before, or have and alone and have them affect me for the very first time. I hear different things from old songs everytime I listen to them… Oh well… I just need to contain it, I just have to decide which song gets to be played first lol

What I suffer from…

So there is a clinical term for my personal suffering. Paranoid Personality Disorder

Article found: http://psychcentral.com/disorders/paranoid-personality-disorder-symptoms/

People with paranoid personality disorder are generally characterized by having a long-standing pattern of pervasive distrust and suspiciousness of others.  A person with paranoid personality disorder will nearly always believe that other people’s motives are suspect or even malevolent.

Individuals with this disorder assume that other people will exploit, harm, or deceive them, even if no evidence exists to support this expectation. While it is fairly normal for everyone to have some degree of paranoia about certain situations in their lives (such as worry about an impending set of layoffs at work), people with paranoid personality disorder take this to an extreme — it pervades virtually every professional and  personal relationship they have.

Individuals with Paranoid Personality Disorder are generally difficult to get along with and often have problems with close relationships. Their excessive suspiciousness and hostility may be expressed in overt argumentativeness, in recurrent complaining, or by quiet, apparently hostile aloofness. Because they are hypervigilant for potential threats, they may act in a guarded, secretive, or devious manner and appear to be “cold” and lacking in tender feelings. Although they may appear to be objective, rational, and unemotional, they more often display a labile range of affect, with hostile, stubborn, and sarcastic expressions predominating. Their combative and suspicious nature may elicit a hostile response in others, which then serves to confirm their original expectations.

Because individuals with Paranoid Personality Disorder lack trust in others, they have an excessive need to be self-sufficient and a strong sense of autonomy. They also need to have a high degree of control over those around them. They are often rigid, critical of others, and unable to collaborate, and they have great difficulty accepting criticism.

A personality disorder is an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates from the norm of the individual’s culture. The pattern is seen in two or more of the following areas: cognition; affect; interpersonal functioning; or impulse control. The enduring pattern is inflexible and pervasive across a broad range of personal and social situations. It typically leads to significant distress or impairment in social, work or other areas of functioning. The pattern is stable and of long duration, and its onset can be traced back to early adulthood or adolescence.

Symptoms of Paranoid Personality Disorder

Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a pervasive distrust and suspiciousness of others such that their motives are interpreted as malevolent. This usually begins in early adulthood and presents in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the  following:

  • Suspects, without sufficient basis, that others are exploiting, harming, or deceiving him or her
  • Is preoccupied with unjustified doubts about the loyalty or trustworthiness of friends or associates
  • Is reluctant to confide in others because of unwarranted fear that the information will be used maliciously against him or her
  • Reads hidden demeaning or threatening meanings into benign remarks or events
  • Persistently bears grudges (i.e., is unforgiving of insults, injuries, or slights)
  • Perceives attacks on his or her character or reputation that are not apparent to others, and is quick to react angrily or to counterattack
  • Has recurrent suspicions, without justification, regarding fidelity of spouse or sexual partner

Paranoid personality disorder generally isn’t diagnosed when another psychotic disorder, such as schizophrenia or a bipolar or depressive disorder with psychotic features, has already been diagnosed in the person.

Because personality disorders describe long-standing and enduring patterns of behavior, they are most often diagnosed in adulthood. It is uncommon for them to be diagnosed in childhood or adolescence, because a child or teen is under constant development, personality changes and maturation. However, if it is diagnosed in a child or teen, the features must have been present for at least 1 year.

Paranoid personality disorder is more prevalent in males than females, and occurs somewhere between 2.3 and 4.4 percent in the general population.

Like most personality disorders, paranoid personality disorder typically will decrease in intensity with age, with many people experiencing few of the most extreme symptoms by the time they are in the 40s or 50s.

How is Paranoid Personality Disorder Diagnosed?

Personality disorders such as  paranoid personality disorder are typically diagnosed by a trained mental health professional, such as a psychologist or  psychiatrist. Family physicians and general practitioners are generally not trained or well-equipped to make this type of psychological diagnosis. So while you can initially consult a family physician about this problem, they should refer you to a mental health professional for diagnosis and treatment. There are no laboratory, blood or genetic tests that are used to diagnose paranoid personality disorder.

Many people with paranoid personality disorder don’t seek out treatment. People with personality disorders, in general, do not often seek out treatment until the disorder starts to significantly interfere or otherwise impact a person’s life. This most often happens when a person’s coping resources are stretched too thin to deal with stress or other life events.

A diagnosis for  paranoid  personality disorder is made by a mental health professional comparing your symptoms and life history with those listed here. They will make a determination whether your symptoms meet the criteria necessary for a personality disorder diagnosis.

Causes of Paranoid Personality Disorder

Researchers today don’t know what causes paranoid personality disorder.  There are many theories, however, about the possible causes of paranoid   personality disorder.  Most professionals subscribe to a biopsychosocial model of causation — that is, the causes of  are likely due to biological and genetic factors, social factors (such as how a person interacts in their early development with their family and friends and other children), and psychological factors (the individual’s personality and temperament, shaped by their environment and learned coping skills to deal with stress). This suggests that no single factor is responsible — rather, it is the complex and likely intertwined nature of all three factors that are important. If a person has this personality disorder, research suggests that there is a slightly increased risk for this disorder to be “passed down” to their children.

Treatment of Paranoid Personality Disorder

Treatment of  paranoid personality disorder  typically involves long-term psychotherapy with a therapist that has experience in treating this kind of personality disorder. Medications may also be prescribed to help with specific troubling and debilitating symptoms. For more information about treatment, please see paranoid personality disorder treatment.